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I dont remember the whole day. But I remember going shopping. I remember I was probably about 10 or 12 years old. I was in that awkward phase. Not sure who I was, mostly just trying to follow the lead of my friends, but with so many different examples to follow it all just exploded into a hodgepodge of super weirdness.
My father had taken me shopping. He pulled things here and there and had me try them on. I wasn’t excited about any of it. So I grabbed a few pairs of overalls and baggy pants. Tried them on and loved them. I wanted these to be my purchases. As a tomboy, I wasn’t into the frilly floral pattern pink clothes he was pulling. I didn’t feel me. And year after year I had been wearing that stuff. Slipping in one outfit a week that I truly felt comfortable in (usually when I was at my mom’s house because she ‘got me’). But today I would change that. Today I would be me.
Apparently, I was wrong.
I emerged from the dressing room excited. It was my birthday. Surely if I broke the news to him on THIS day it would be fine. He would understand. It was my day. Thanksgiving was in just a few days. Family was gathering and that always put him in a better mood. He couldn’t be mad. (I mean…we did have to keep up appearances and all…)
Apparently, I was wrong.
I was met with a stone face. No emotion. But even that young as an empath I could tell this wasn’t going to end well.
Apparently…I was right.
He grabbed my arm and squeezed hard. We were in the middle of a department store, likely JC Penny’s but maybe Macys, so he kept his voice low, strained, and firm. This was over 18 years ago…so I’m not sure exactly what was said, but I got the point. What I wanted didn’t matter. Who I ‘thought’ I was didn’t matter.
From that day it seemed like every year was a disaster of some sort.
To this day I dont tell people about my birthday approaching. With it being on/near Thanksgiving it’s easy for it to get overshadowed or overlooked. I fly low hoping the day will pass without notice, without disaster, and without disappointment.
This year I turn 30. And while all year I’ve been dreading leaving my 20s behind I’ve chosen this year to take back my birthday. God has been so good to me. This year been an incredible journey of growth and healing and ya’ll I’m not letting my past, my hurts, or my fears hold me back from anything less than His best anymore.
My 30s will be for Jesus. To love Him by loving others, to honor him by using my gifts, talents, and resources for his glory, and unlike my 0s, 10s, and 20….to be unashamedly me!
Bring it on 30!
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